Untitled

This is for the one and only girl I have ever made cry.

I am so sorry. I know how it feels to have everything one day, and the next all of it is ripped out from under you. You felt lifeless and hopeless and that’s exactly how I feel right now. You didn’t deserve that, and you never really did anything wrong. As I was sitting here crying, I thought about you. I thought about how this is exactly what you were going through. I thought about how I didn’t care at the time. I mean, I cared, I just didn’t CARE. That was so fucked up, and I can’t say that I’m sorry enough times. I never wanted to hurt you. I wish I hadn’t had a change of feelings; sometimes you just can’t control that. I don’t deserve your forgiveness even though you’ve already given it to me.

I hope to God that you never again have to go through what I put you through.

Do you even care?

Do you?

Because I care about you. Probably more than you even realize.

Why?

Why am I always punished for doing things right? Is “doing things right”, wrong?

I’m getting really tired of trying.

Last night, she turned into a brick wall while I was texting her.. You know, two word replies.. not keeping the conversation going.. etc. Finally I was like alright one more short text and I’m just gonna call her - and that’s exactly what I did. Well, no surprise.. but she didn’t answer. Somehow I knew before I called that she wouldn’t. I sent her a text saying that I’d really like it if she would call me.. and - of course - nothing happened. It showed her online on Facebook, so I messaged her there.. but no reply. I figured alright.. maybe she just fell asleep, but that’d be unlikely since I called her right after she sent me a text. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I thought, well.. if she really did fall asleep, she’ll text me in the morning when she wakes up and apologize. But I finally let it all out last night. I cried a number of times (I lost count at like 7). I knew it was coming sooner or later because I’ve been holding back my emotions for the past 3 weeks or so. I’ve been numbing them by smoking weed as well. Anyway, I got home today at around 12:30 and the first thing I did was check facebook. There was activity on her profile around 11:30, so I knew that she was obviously awake. I double checked to make sure I hadn’t missed a text from her.. and I didn’t. So I called her. I guess I just wanted to see what she had to say about last night and why she didn’t apologize. She didn’t answer.. so I texted her and said ‘hello?’. She called about 5 minutes later.. and her tone wasn’t very inviting. So I asked if she was busy, and she said ‘well.. I’m cleaning my room’. I’m not going to post a dialogue of our conversation, but her excuse was that she fell asleep, and she was busy this morning so she didn’t text me. (Apparently so busy that she had the time to like ‘Pancakes’ on facebook). I told her I bought her a prom ticket and stuff today, and some other small talk. Then I told her what was really on my mind.. and that’s how she’s been making me feel. I told her how I feel like a total stranger to her, and how it seems like I’m having a conversation with a brick wall. Her only excuse was that she hasn’t been in a very social mood. I asked her what she wanted from me, what she wanted me to do, because I feel like I’m bothering her every time I try to talk to her about something. She didn’t really have an answer for me, so I told her I’m not going to text her anymore, and that if she wants to talk then she can just text me. We said goodbye, and that’s the extent of it for now.

I just wish she would realize how sad she makes me feel. How thoughts of her keep me up at night… how it all makes me cry. How it makes me feel like a complete stranger to her. How it makes me second guess whether or not she ever really loved me or not.

I almost wish that I would’ve done something wrong… because at least then I would be able to understand why she’s treating me this way